CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (ATLANTA, GA) - An outbreak of the newly-identified Itchy Nipple Sydrome (INS) struck three women in rapid succession in eastern Georgia this past weekend. Health officials are seeking a person of interest in the case.
Augusta resident Suzy Clueless told authorities that the affliction hit her soon after leaving the residence of a male acquaintance ("at least I think he's male," she qualified) late Friday evening or early Saturday morning.
"The evening was heading south faster than Paris Hilton after a few Cosmopolitans, and I thought that I saw this acquaintance of mine--I did mention that he's not really a friend, right?--slip something into my drink," Clueless told investigators. "I got uncomfortable and made an excuse to leave," she added. "I couldn't have been five miles down the road when my nipples began to itch something fierce. Why would anyone slip something into my drink to make my nipples itch like that?" she asked, but authorities were reluctant to speculate.
Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck University of Georgia alum Lacy Underthings around lunchtime. "I'm in the process of moving out of town, and I had lunch with this prancer I used to date," Ms Underthings explained to authorities. "I wanted one last reminder of why I would never be returning to this armpit of the country."
Underthings told CDC investigators that the lunch outing took an ugly turn when, during some conversation about college football, she made a derogatory comment about Michigan quarterback Tate Forcier. "I thought that my ex was gonna blow a gasket... like I'd insulted his boyfriend, or something," Underthings reported. "I did mention that he bats from both sides of the plate, right? In any case, things only got worse when I added that 'At least [USC quarterback] Matt Barkley looks dreamy while he's stinking up a stadium, unlike that Tate gnome.'"
Underthings told authorities that her ex began to look and act conflicted, prompting her to cut the date short. "But don't call it a 'date,' because I want to state emphatically that it was not a date," she added.
According to her official statement, Underthings's outbreak of Itchy Nipple Syndrome hit soon after leaving the restaurant. Or, as she put it officially, "within 30 minutes of leaving the table and pretending to be on my way to make a quick bathroom stop." Underthings blames her bout of INS on a food reaction, but officials are reluctant to confirm her suspicions.
The third known instance of Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck Wendy Pitydate later in the evening on Saturday. According to her statement to CDC investigators, the aptly-named Atlanta native was on her own way home from a disastrous evening spent with a "guy--I think--who is supposed to be in medical school, or something." According to Pitydate's statement to authorities, she realized that poor judgment had put her in a no-win situation that needed to be ended quickly. "I kind of felt sorry for the guy," she explained. "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless, if you know what I mean."
Pitydate went on to explain that things got awkward when her acquaintance--"Make sure you don't refer to him as a friend," she insisted--seemed to mistake her sympathy (and interest in skin care products) for something more. According to her CDC report, Pitydate made up an excuse to leave the home of her acquaintance sometime around 7 PM ET, and her nipples were "itching something fierce" before she could even make it back to her own residence, which was no more than twenty minutes away.
Pitydate wrote off her own brush with INS to nerves, citing how oddly her acquaintance had been acting and the fact that she became uncomfortable when she realized that, despite access to such a good line of skin care products, her acquaintance's palms still seemed to be rubbed raw for unknown reasons. It made her nervous, according to her statement, and authorities still plan to look into the events as part of a larger pattern that they hope will help them to put a stop to the outbreaks before things reach a crisis level.
Authorities following up on leads in the case were intrigued to learn that both quarterbacks Forcier and Barkley have also reported suffering from Itchy Nipple Syndrome at various times in the past, and usually late on Saturday evenings. Neither reported an outbreak following their respective and embarrassing losses on the field this past weekend, however, leaving investigators to wonder whether this new information provides an avenue of investigation that merits exploration.
Anyone else who has suffered from itchy nipples in the past thirty days is asked to contact their local health officials as soon as possible.
> CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (ATLANTA, GA) - An outbreak of the > newly-identified Itchy Nipple Sydrome (INS) struck three women in rapid > succession in eastern Georgia this past weekend. Health officials are > seeking a person of interest in the case.
> Augusta resident Suzy Clueless told authorities that the affliction hit > her soon after leaving the residence of a male acquaintance ("at least I > think he's male," she qualified) late Friday evening or early Saturday > morning.
> "The evening was heading south faster than Paris Hilton after a few > Cosmopolitans, and I thought that I saw this acquaintance of mine--I did > mention that he's not really a friend, right?--slip something into my > drink," Clueless told investigators. "I got uncomfortable and made an > excuse to leave," she added. "I couldn't have been five miles down the > road when my nipples began to itch something fierce. Why would anyone > slip something into my drink to make my nipples itch like that?" > she asked, but authorities were reluctant to speculate.
> Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck University of Georgia alum Lacy Underthings > around lunchtime. "I'm in the process of moving out of town, and I had > lunch with this prancer I used to date," Ms Underthings explained to > authorities. "I wanted one last reminder of why I would never be > returning to this armpit of the country."
> Underthings told CDC investigators that the lunch outing took an ugly > turn when, during some conversation about college football, she made a > derogatory comment about Michigan quarterback Tate Forcier. "I thought > that my ex was gonna blow a gasket... like I'd insulted his boyfriend, > or something," Underthings reported. "I did mention that he bats from > both sides of the plate, right? In any case, things only got worse when > I added that 'At least [USC quarterback] Matt Barkley looks dreamy while > he's stinking up a stadium, unlike that Tate gnome.'"
> Underthings told authorities that her ex began to look and act > conflicted, prompting her to cut the date short. "But don't call it a > 'date,' because I want to state emphatically that it was not a date," > she added.
> According to her official statement, Underthings's outbreak of Itchy > Nipple Syndrome hit soon after leaving the restaurant. Or, as she put > it officially, "within 30 minutes of leaving the table and pretending to > be on my way to make a quick bathroom stop." Underthings blames her > bout of INS on a food reaction, but officials are reluctant to confirm > her suspicions.
> The third known instance of Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck Wendy Pitydate > later in the evening on Saturday. According to her statement to CDC > investigators, the aptly-named Atlanta native was on her own way home > from a disastrous evening spent with a "guy--I think--who is supposed to > be in medical school, or something." According to Pitydate's statement > to authorities, she realized that poor judgment had put her in a no-win > situation that needed to be ended quickly. "I kind of felt sorry for > the guy," she explained. "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a > great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless, > if you know what I mean."
> Pitydate went on to explain that things got awkward when her > acquaintance--"Make sure you don't refer to him as a friend," she > insisted--seemed to mistake her sympathy (and interest in skin care > products) for something more. According to her CDC report, Pitydate > made up an excuse to leave the home of her acquaintance sometime around > 7 PM ET, and her nipples were "itching something fierce" before she > could even make it back to her own residence, which was no more than > twenty minutes away.
> Pitydate wrote off her own brush with INS to nerves, citing how oddly > her acquaintance had been acting and the fact that she became > uncomfortable when she realized that, despite access to such a good line > of skin care products, her acquaintance's palms still seemed to be > rubbed raw for unknown reasons. It made her nervous, according to her > statement, and authorities still plan to look into the events as part of > a larger pattern that they hope will help them to put a stop to the > outbreaks before things reach a crisis level.
> Authorities following up on leads in the case were intrigued to learn > that both quarterbacks Forcier and Barkley have also reported suffering > from Itchy Nipple Syndrome at various times in the past, and usually > late on Saturday evenings. Neither reported an outbreak following their > respective and embarrassing losses on the field this past weekend, > however, leaving investigators to wonder whether this new information > provides an avenue of investigation that merits exploration.
> Anyone else who has suffered from itchy nipples in the past thirty days > is asked to contact their local health officials as soon as possible.
> CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (ATLANTA, GA) - An outbreak of the > newly-identified Itchy Nipple Sydrome (INS) struck three women in rapid > succession in eastern Georgia this past weekend. Health officials are > seeking a person of interest in the case.
> Augusta resident Suzy Clueless told authorities that the affliction hit > her soon after leaving the residence of a male acquaintance ("at least I > think he's male," she qualified) late Friday evening or early Saturday > morning.
> "The evening was heading south faster than Paris Hilton after a few > Cosmopolitans, and I thought that I saw this acquaintance of mine--I did > mention that he's not really a friend, right?--slip something into my > drink," Clueless told investigators. "I got uncomfortable and made an > excuse to leave," she added. "I couldn't have been five miles down the > road when my nipples began to itch something fierce. Why would anyone > slip something into my drink to make my nipples itch like that?" > she asked, but authorities were reluctant to speculate.
> Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck University of Georgia alum Lacy Underthings > around lunchtime. "I'm in the process of moving out of town, and I had > lunch with this prancer I used to date," Ms Underthings explained to > authorities. "I wanted one last reminder of why I would never be > returning to this armpit of the country."
> Underthings told CDC investigators that the lunch outing took an ugly > turn when, during some conversation about college football, she made a > derogatory comment about Michigan quarterback Tate Forcier. "I thought > that my ex was gonna blow a gasket... like I'd insulted his boyfriend, > or something," Underthings reported. "I did mention that he bats from > both sides of the plate, right? In any case, things only got worse when > I added that 'At least [USC quarterback] Matt Barkley looks dreamy while > he's stinking up a stadium, unlike that Tate gnome.'"
> Underthings told authorities that her ex began to look and act > conflicted, prompting her to cut the date short. "But don't call it a > 'date,' because I want to state emphatically that it was not a date," > she added.
> According to her official statement, Underthings's outbreak of Itchy > Nipple Syndrome hit soon after leaving the restaurant. Or, as she put > it officially, "within 30 minutes of leaving the table and pretending to > be on my way to make a quick bathroom stop." Underthings blames her > bout of INS on a food reaction, but officials are reluctant to confirm > her suspicions.
> The third known instance of Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck Wendy Pitydate > later in the evening on Saturday. According to her statement to CDC > investigators, the aptly-named Atlanta native was on her own way home > from a disastrous evening spent with a "guy--I think--who is supposed to > be in medical school, or something." According to Pitydate's statement > to authorities, she realized that poor judgment had put her in a no-win > situation that needed to be ended quickly. "I kind of felt sorry for > the guy," she explained. "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a > great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless, > if you know what I mean."
> Pitydate went on to explain that things got awkward when her > acquaintance--"Make sure you don't refer to him as a friend," she > insisted--seemed to mistake her sympathy (and interest in skin care > products) for something more. According to her CDC report, Pitydate > made up an excuse to leave the home of her acquaintance sometime around > 7 PM ET, and her nipples were "itching something fierce" before she > could even make it back to her own residence, which was no more than > twenty minutes away.
> Pitydate wrote off her own brush with INS to nerves, citing how oddly > her acquaintance had been acting and the fact that she became > uncomfortable when she realized that, despite access to such a good line > of skin care products, her acquaintance's palms still seemed to be > rubbed raw for unknown reasons. It made her nervous, according to her > statement, and authorities still plan to look into the events as part of > a larger pattern that they hope will help them to put a stop to the > outbreaks before things reach a crisis level.
> Authorities following up on leads in the case were intrigued to learn > that both quarterbacks Forcier and Barkley have also reported suffering > from Itchy Nipple Syndrome at various times in the past, and usually > late on Saturday evenings. Neither reported an outbreak following their > respective and embarrassing losses on the field this past weekend, > however, leaving investigators to wonder whether this new information > provides an avenue of investigation that merits exploration.
> Anyone else who has suffered from itchy nipples in the past thirty days > is asked to contact their local health officials as soon as possible.
<jimgy...@geemail.com> wrote: > CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (ATLANTA, GA) - An outbreak of the > newly-identified Itchy Nipple Sydrome (INS) struck three women in rapid > succession in eastern Georgia this past weekend. Health officials are > seeking a person of interest in the case.
> Augusta resident Suzy Clueless told authorities that the affliction hit > her soon after leaving the residence of a male acquaintance ("at least I > think he's male," she qualified) late Friday evening or early Saturday > morning.
> "The evening was heading south faster than Paris Hilton after a few > Cosmopolitans, and I thought that I saw this acquaintance of mine--I did > mention that he's not really a friend, right?--slip something into my > drink," Clueless told investigators. "I got uncomfortable and made an > excuse to leave," she added. "I couldn't have been five miles down the > road when my nipples began to itch something fierce. Why would anyone > slip something into my drink to make my nipples itch like that?" > she asked, but authorities were reluctant to speculate.
> Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck University of Georgia alum Lacy Underthings > around lunchtime. "I'm in the process of moving out of town, and I had > lunch with this prancer I used to date," Ms Underthings explained to > authorities. "I wanted one last reminder of why I would never be > returning to this armpit of the country."
> Underthings told CDC investigators that the lunch outing took an ugly > turn when, during some conversation about college football, she made a > derogatory comment about Michigan quarterback Tate Forcier. "I thought > that my ex was gonna blow a gasket... like I'd insulted his boyfriend, > or something," Underthings reported. "I did mention that he bats from > both sides of the plate, right? In any case, things only got worse when > I added that 'At least [USC quarterback] Matt Barkley looks dreamy while > he's stinking up a stadium, unlike that Tate gnome.'"
> Underthings told authorities that her ex began to look and act > conflicted, prompting her to cut the date short. "But don't call it a > 'date,' because I want to state emphatically that it was not a date," > she added.
> According to her official statement, Underthings's outbreak of Itchy > Nipple Syndrome hit soon after leaving the restaurant. Or, as she put > it officially, "within 30 minutes of leaving the table and pretending to > be on my way to make a quick bathroom stop." Underthings blames her > bout of INS on a food reaction, but officials are reluctant to confirm > her suspicions.
> The third known instance of Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck Wendy Pitydate > later in the evening on Saturday. According to her statement to CDC > investigators, the aptly-named Atlanta native was on her own way home > from a disastrous evening spent with a "guy--I think--who is supposed to > be in medical school, or something." According to Pitydate's statement > to authorities, she realized that poor judgment had put her in a no-win > situation that needed to be ended quickly. "I kind of felt sorry for > the guy," she explained. "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a > great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless, > if you know what I mean."
> Pitydate went on to explain that things got awkward when her > acquaintance--"Make sure you don't refer to him as a friend," she > insisted--seemed to mistake her sympathy (and interest in skin care > products) for something more. According to her CDC report, Pitydate > made up an excuse to leave the home of her acquaintance sometime around > 7 PM ET, and her nipples were "itching something fierce" before she > could even make it back to her own residence, which was no more than > twenty minutes away.
> Pitydate wrote off her own brush with INS to nerves, citing how oddly > her acquaintance had been acting and the fact that she became > uncomfortable when she realized that, despite access to such a good line > of skin care products, her acquaintance's palms still seemed to be > rubbed raw for unknown reasons. It made her nervous, according to her > statement, and authorities still plan to look into the events as part of > a larger pattern that they hope will help them to put a stop to the > outbreaks before things reach a crisis level.
> Authorities following up on leads in the case were intrigued to learn > that both quarterbacks Forcier and Barkley have also reported suffering > from Itchy Nipple Syndrome at various times in the past, and usually > late on Saturday evenings. Neither reported an outbreak following their > respective and embarrassing losses on the field this past weekend, > however, leaving investigators to wonder whether this new information > provides an avenue of investigation that merits exploration.
> Anyone else who has suffered from itchy nipples in the past thirty days > is asked to contact their local health officials as soon as possible.
"I kind of felt sorry for the guy," she explained. "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless, if you know what I mean."
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