CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (ATLANTA, GA) - An outbreak of the
newly-identified Itchy Nipple Sydrome (INS) struck three women in rapid
succession in eastern Georgia this past weekend.  Health officials are
seeking a person of interest in the case.

Augusta resident Suzy Clueless told authorities that the affliction hit
her soon after leaving the residence of a male acquaintance ("at least I
think he's male," she qualified) late Friday evening or early Saturday
morning.

"The evening was heading south faster than Paris Hilton after a few
Cosmopolitans, and I thought that I saw this acquaintance of mine--I did
mention that he's not really a friend, right?--slip something into my
drink," Clueless told investigators.  "I got uncomfortable and made an
excuse to leave," she added.  "I couldn't have been five miles down the
road when my nipples began to itch something fierce.  Why would anyone
slip something into my drink to make my nipples itch like that?"
she asked, but authorities were reluctant to speculate.

Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck University of Georgia alum Lacy Underthings
around lunchtime.  "I'm in the process of moving out of town, and I had
lunch with this prancer I used to date," Ms Underthings explained to
authorities.  "I wanted one last reminder of why I would never be
returning to this armpit of the country."

Underthings told CDC investigators that the lunch outing took an ugly
turn when, during some conversation about college football, she made a
derogatory comment about Michigan quarterback Tate Forcier.  "I thought
that my ex was gonna blow a gasket... like I'd insulted his boyfriend,
or something," Underthings reported.  "I did mention that he bats from
both sides of the plate, right?  In any case, things only got worse when
I added that 'At least [USC quarterback] Matt Barkley looks dreamy while
he's stinking up a stadium, unlike that Tate gnome.'"

Underthings told authorities that her ex began to look and act
conflicted, prompting her to cut the date short.  "But don't call it a
'date,' because I want to state emphatically that it was not a date,"
she added.

According to her official statement, Underthings's outbreak of Itchy
Nipple Syndrome hit soon after leaving the restaurant.  Or, as she put
it officially, "within 30 minutes of leaving the table and pretending to
be on my way to make a quick bathroom stop."  Underthings blames her
bout of INS on a food reaction, but officials are reluctant to confirm
her suspicions.

The third known instance of Itchy Nipple Syndrome struck Wendy Pitydate
later in the evening on Saturday.  According to her statement to CDC
investigators, the aptly-named Atlanta native was on her own way home
from a disastrous evening spent with a "guy--I think--who is supposed to
be in medical school, or something."  According to Pitydate's statement
to authorities, she realized that poor judgment had put her in a no-win
situation that needed to be ended quickly.  "I kind of felt sorry for
the guy," she explained.  "He's always seemed conflicted, and he's got a
great supply of skin care products, so I assumed that he was harmless,
if you know what I mean."

Pitydate went on to explain that things got awkward when her
acquaintance--"Make sure you don't refer to him as a friend," she
insisted--seemed to mistake her sympathy (and interest in skin care
products) for something more.  According to her CDC report, Pitydate
made up an excuse to leave the home of her acquaintance sometime around
7 PM ET, and her nipples were "itching something fierce" before she
could even make it back to her own residence, which was no more than
twenty minutes away.

Pitydate wrote off her own brush with INS to nerves, citing how oddly
her acquaintance had been acting and the fact that she became
uncomfortable when she realized that, despite access to such a good line
of skin care products, her acquaintance's palms still seemed to be
rubbed raw for unknown reasons.  It made her nervous, according to her
statement, and authorities still plan to look into the events as part of
a larger pattern that they hope will help them to put a stop to the
outbreaks before things reach a crisis level.

Authorities following up on leads in the case were intrigued to learn
that both quarterbacks Forcier and Barkley have also reported suffering
from Itchy Nipple Syndrome at various times in the past, and usually
late on Saturday evenings.  Neither reported an outbreak following their
respective and embarrassing losses on the field this past weekend,
however, leaving investigators to wonder whether this new information
provides an avenue of investigation that merits exploration.

Anyone else who has suffered from itchy nipples in the past thirty days
is asked to contact their local health officials as soon as possible.

--
Jim Gysin
Waukesha, WI